Metroid Prime Number 3

Alright, let´s see. My games up for review list is currently topped off by Metroid Prime 3 Corruption. First off, a title that definitely makes questions pop up in my head. Corruption makes me think Nintendo had some issues with certain staff members when they were working on this title. Now, Metroid Prime 3. It´s Metroid number 10 but since Prime is a sub-series and this is the fourth installment, we get the 3 at the ending.Confused? It´s the fourth installment, since we have, in order: Metroid Prime(NGC), Metroid Prime 2 Echoes(NGC), Metroid Prime Hunters(DS) and now Metroid Prime 3 Corruption for the Wii. I have played both 1 and 2, and own Hunters and 3. First let´s get the good things out of the way, since Yahtzee gets e-mail saying that good things are bad things because they are boring and bad things are awesome. That in itself is a contradiction because if bad is good and good is bad you create what programmers call a loop, an action that will loop through itself for all eternity.

Anyway. The good things about MP3 are that the initials form a popular music format and that it is a Metroid game. Which means a game by Nintendo which means it is of high quality. It may have come out of a grey, dried up udder that has been milked far too often, it is still good milk that comes out of it. Metroid is by far the best looking game on the Wii so far and you rarely experience visual lag. The difficulty is nothing special, but nothing horrid either.

Now the part where I say things about the game that make haters ejaculate and lovers rip computer components apart in anger. MP3 is not a game that I play with such great joy that it makes my brain-penises cum rainbow-coloured jelly beans that taste like the greatest beer on the planet, get you drunk and make you attractive to the other sex, which you obviously are not if you are currently reading this, and have no side-effects. I have played better games in the era where games still didn´t know that there were more than 8 colors in the universe. I will never say the game has graphics that make me barf in WoW-like proportions, but I don´t look for graphics in a game. I look for either sick, twisted pleasure, or a fun challenge. Any game that gives me both will be praised by me. Since I already said there are things that basically suck the fun right out of MP3 this is not a game that has one of these simple things. Actually it has neither. The game is not Hunters-easy(I can beat Gorea 1 and 2 while blind, gagged, and with limbs and penis cut off.) but it´s not remotely challenging either. Story-wise, it’s the same old same old. It´s like all the Nintendo games. Deja vú, been there, done that. It´s nothing original. Even the corridors look familiar. I had no idea the Galactic Federation demanded that all the design and architecture in the universe be the same. Now starting with the very first level, the commander who hired you, Samus Aran, First Woman, Bounty Hunter, and general game hottie, is someone who can’t do anything but scream “Oh my god, enemies, quick Samus, save us, since I am someone who has been in the army for the last 9 billion years.” I can forgive this since George W. Bush wouldn´t be able to figure out how to fire a gun with the help of a manual, a Dummies book and instruction videos. But even the other bounty hunters, supposedly greatest in the universe, all have a nack to say “Hey Samus, I just used pwnage cutscene skills to save you while you were obviously capable of saving yourself, since I was in the mood for some needless self-insertion, but now I get lazy and retarded so you can do everything else.” Now there is one bounty hunter, the Iceman character, who will actually complete 33% of the first mission and save your ass twice, but that is basically all he does. Wait, that is actually quite alot. Then we have huge robot dude who needlessly saves you, since when I saw the monster that robot dude killed, I thought “awesome yay glee boss battle” and saw the asshole come in in his huge MegaZord and called him a cheating stinking bucket of rusty bolts that were hit by the Ugly Truck.

Onto the controls. As we know this is a Wii game and the Wii’s main selling point(Apart from future promise) is the motion sensing controls. Now this was awesome in Wii Sports but in MP3 it doesn’t work as well. It’s not shit but it’s not THE shit either. I can kill and rampage through levels but it feels awkward. And the fact that I am probably the most retarded GHIII player in a 50 mile radius makes awkwardness awkward. What I did find very strangely rewarding was the grapple beam, ripping things off of a wall gives me a never before felt sensation I guess. The Grapple swing thingy on the contrary looks lamer than ever and oh no the revisiting has returned. If you read my LoZ review you would know how I absolutely hate level revisiting. It was like that in Hunters and I didn’t like it there either. Actually, the only thing I really liked about Hunters was the multiplayer and they took that out of MP3 as well.

Maybe, just maybe, Nintendo will decide to pull the plug on some series. Not Mario, of course, it’s their trademark; That, and now that Mario and Sonic are working together it’s going to make some of my thought-to-be impossible fanboy dreams come true. I honestly can’t wait those last weeks for SSBB. SSBB, for all you uninformed, lame, why the fuck where you hiding under a rock the past 7 years you bleeding asshole people, is Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the Wii release of the series Super Smash Bros. I am now resisting the urge to start lecturing you about this game’s awesomeness but I will save that for a next review.