Okay let’s start this one off nice and simple. Take the title of this game, Motorstorm.
Take the word apart. Add ized to the end of motor and place the word shit in front of storm. What do you have now? Right, the title Motorized Shitstorm. So, I’m in the hospital at the moment and they happened to have a PS3, with only one PS3 game. This piece of crap.
Now I have always been quite skeptical about the PS3. Main reasons for this are the fact that for every PS3 you purchase, you could have bought 2 small islands and that Sony promises Game Heaven with Stunning™ graphics. As I was brought up as a true PC gamer, I care more for depth and user-friendliness than for graphics. Sure, if a game looks nice it’s all well and good but if it makes you feel as if someone follows you around and hits you over the head with a brick everytime you sneeze or cough, I say no thank you.
Now everyone(Cough those 53 people so far cough) can tell that I hate this game. Wouldn’t this be the shortest review yet? Well, yes, because even though I am not finished yet I do not intend to give this the full 1,000 words. Also the fact that I managed to set up a date with someone of the female species who wasn’t hit by the Ugly Truck will not mellow me out concerning this. Let’s move on. Firstly, the graphics. They’re not bad but back when Sony showed the first PS3 footage it looked 51 times more awesome than this. Oh yeah, wait, they did that on a PC. Oh I love you PC! Secondly, the controls. As I already explained, they are comparable to trying to wank with your nose. I discussed this with someone who had the game, and enjoyed it, and he agreed. The only reason he liked this game is because this is one of 0 games the PS3 has right now.
One thing I do like, is that you have several vehicles racing the same race, and all of them are wiser chosing a certain path. This could’ve been executed a little better but okay. I of course being a stubborn obnoxious prick, did the complete opposite of what the game told me to. “When on a light vehicle like a motorbike or a quad take the higher routes.” So of course you found me trying to press a truck off the road.
I am now bored so I’m going to wrap this up.
Conclusion: If you buy/bought this game, I will pray to every heathen god to curse you and make you miserable beyond comparison. I will also hire 47 to take care of you.
Alright, let´s see. My games up for review list is currently topped off by Metroid Prime 3 Corruption. First off, a title that definitely makes questions pop up in my head. Corruption makes me think Nintendo had some issues with certain staff members when they were working on this title. Now, Metroid Prime 3. It´s Metroid number 10 but since Prime is a sub-series and this is the fourth installment, we get the 3 at the ending.Confused? It´s the fourth installment, since we have, in order: Metroid Prime(NGC), Metroid Prime 2 Echoes(NGC), Metroid Prime Hunters(DS) and now Metroid Prime 3 Corruption for the Wii. I have played both 1 and 2, and own Hunters and 3. First let´s get the good things out of the way, since Yahtzee gets e-mail saying that good things are bad things because they are boring and bad things are awesome. That in itself is a contradiction because if bad is good and good is bad you create what programmers call a loop, an action that will loop through itself for all eternity.
Anyway. The good things about MP3 are that the initials form a popular music format and that it is a Metroid game. Which means a game by Nintendo which means it is of high quality. It may have come out of a grey, dried up udder that has been milked far too often, it is still good milk that comes out of it. Metroid is by far the best looking game on the Wii so far and you rarely experience visual lag. The difficulty is nothing special, but nothing horrid either.
Now the part where I say things about the game that make haters ejaculate and lovers rip computer components apart in anger. MP3 is not a game that I play with such great joy that it makes my brain-penises cum rainbow-coloured jelly beans that taste like the greatest beer on the planet, get you drunk and make you attractive to the other sex, which you obviously are not if you are currently reading this, and have no side-effects. I have played better games in the era where games still didn´t know that there were more than 8 colors in the universe. I will never say the game has graphics that make me barf in WoW-like proportions, but I don´t look for graphics in a game. I look for either sick, twisted pleasure, or a fun challenge. Any game that gives me both will be praised by me. Since I already said there are things that basically suck the fun right out of MP3 this is not a game that has one of these simple things. Actually it has neither. The game is not Hunters-easy(I can beat Gorea 1 and 2 while blind, gagged, and with limbs and penis cut off.) but it´s not remotely challenging either. Story-wise, it’s the same old same old. It´s like all the Nintendo games. Deja vú, been there, done that. It´s nothing original. Even the corridors look familiar. I had no idea the Galactic Federation demanded that all the design and architecture in the universe be the same. Now starting with the very first level, the commander who hired you, Samus Aran, First Woman, Bounty Hunter, and general game hottie, is someone who can’t do anything but scream “Oh my god, enemies, quick Samus, save us, since I am someone who has been in the army for the last 9 billion years.” I can forgive this since George W. Bush wouldn´t be able to figure out how to fire a gun with the help of a manual, a Dummies book and instruction videos. But even the other bounty hunters, supposedly greatest in the universe, all have a nack to say “Hey Samus, I just used pwnage cutscene skills to save you while you were obviously capable of saving yourself, since I was in the mood for some needless self-insertion, but now I get lazy and retarded so you can do everything else.” Now there is one bounty hunter, the Iceman character, who will actually complete 33% of the first mission and save your ass twice, but that is basically all he does. Wait, that is actually quite alot. Then we have huge robot dude who needlessly saves you, since when I saw the monster that robot dude killed, I thought “awesome yay glee boss battle” and saw the asshole come in in his huge MegaZord and called him a cheating stinking bucket of rusty bolts that were hit by the Ugly Truck.
Onto the controls. As we know this is a Wii game and the Wii’s main selling point(Apart from future promise) is the motion sensing controls. Now this was awesome in Wii Sports but in MP3 it doesn’t work as well. It’s not shit but it’s not THE shit either. I can kill and rampage through levels but it feels awkward. And the fact that I am probably the most retarded GHIII player in a 50 mile radius makes awkwardness awkward. What I did find very strangely rewarding was the grapple beam, ripping things off of a wall gives me a never before felt sensation I guess. The Grapple swing thingy on the contrary looks lamer than ever and oh no the revisiting has returned. If you read my LoZ review you would know how I absolutely hate level revisiting. It was like that in Hunters and I didn’t like it there either. Actually, the only thing I really liked about Hunters was the multiplayer and they took that out of MP3 as well.
Maybe, just maybe, Nintendo will decide to pull the plug on some series. Not Mario, of course, it’s their trademark; That, and now that Mario and Sonic are working together it’s going to make some of my thought-to-be impossible fanboy dreams come true. I honestly can’t wait those last weeks for SSBB. SSBB, for all you uninformed, lame, why the fuck where you hiding under a rock the past 7 years you bleeding asshole people, is Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the Wii release of the series Super Smash Bros. I am now resisting the urge to start lecturing you about this game’s awesomeness but I will save that for a next review.
Why hello thar, how are you lot today?
As you probably guessed from the title(If not, READ IT, IT’S WHAT I TYPE IT FOR.) this edition of PiP(Pissing into an ocean of Piss is technically PP, or PiaoP but I never really cared about technicalities anyway, and PiP sounds so British! Tally ho, chit chat and all that, reminds me of the hunt, save the queen and all that bullshit) is about the “game” World of Warcraft. I put the game between a pair of quotation marks because WoW isn’t really a game. It’s not a world either. It’s a scam. Period. I got the 10day free trial from the site and played it. Sort of. Anyway. Made my account, fired up the game, logged in, chose a realm and clicked Create A Character or something. Character Creation screen pops up and my eye twitches. It shows you a sort of preview of how your character would look like ingame. Honestly, I haven’t seen such crappy graphics since I played Runescape. Yes, I played Runescape. My friends did it, so I didn’t have much choice. Anyway, WoW’s graphics suck balls. Fans will obviously state that the graphics are “cartoony” but open your eyes long enough to see the game and short enough to prevent them from bleeding and you will see. The graphics are far below even 2000 standards. I’ve seen way better graphics on free MMORPG’s, like Rappelz, Silkroad Online, 9dragons etc.
“Okay, so graphics aren’t the only thing to be enjoyed in a game.” They will claim. I will agree, and tell them the gameplay itself sucks big, hairy manly balls as well. There is nothing fun about WoW. The control system is thoroughly farked up to the point of me feeling as if I was trying to stop my 20 year long drug addiction cold turkey. My mind was all messed up at first, and then I got used to the controls. So on to the actual gameplay. I started out as a Pink Fairy Hunter with green hair, thinking I was a gay Elf who got dropped by Santa last year. Anyway, I got extremely bored rather quick as the enemies are no challenge whatsoever and decided to make myself a Minotaur Shaman, since I read somewhere Shamans are powerful to the extent of godmode-skills and I like big bulky horned dudes, they remind me of Satan. I told my WoW-playing friend I made a Minotaur in Earthen Ring, which is where she was located also, and she reminded me the Minotaur was named Tauren. I thought to myself, “look you stupid bitch, that thing is a bloody minotaur and if Blizzard wants to name it a Tauren they’re basically plagiarizing ancient Greek legend and myth”. That’s not what I said of course because I kinda had a thing for the girl but luckily that rotten, filthy emotion is out of the way and I can continue my evil deeds in peace. With the Tauren I got completely lost mostly because my brain was trying to grasp desperately what made this game attractive to so many people. I mean we can easily say thousands, if not millions of people who have no better way to spend their money than on shitty “games” like this play WoW. Obviously most of the arguments I get in return are “the game is hardly fun in the first 10 days” and things like “Mommy Mommy this man is being mean to my game!” since 90% of the WoW community consists of brainless 13 year old airheads who really think that WoW cybersex is the hottest thing ever.
The “Not fun in first 10 days” argument is just plain moronic, since a game is supposed to grab you by your balls and drag you into your monitor while fondling you to the point of orgasm. Currently I’m playing Fable The Lost Chapters(Again) and (again) the game amazes me in it’s simplicity and darn good fun. The cutscenes are skippable(thank God for that) and you can call diabolical vortices from the ground to roast your enemies in the flames of Hell, purely by holding Shift and clicking either the left or right mouse button. That’s fun. That should be possible in real life. Emos ganging around you, you just cast Infernal Wrath upon them and shout BURN MOTHERFUCKER BURN during the actual spell to make the whole thing perfect. Hooray. WoW doesn’t have these things. WoW is a MMORPG with actual RP servers for people that are too much of a failure in actual life so they have to be Zarnax, Night Elf Druid Saviour of All. They also have PVP servers in which you are going to get raped like Kyle, Stan, Kenny, Eric and pals did. Than you dedicate your life to killing millions of boars and getting substantial powers to defeat your rapist, and than you play the game. But well, SP did an awesome job of describing the average WoW player anyway. Fat, ugly, and no life whatsoever. Luckily I managed to escape its grasp.(what grasp? There’s nothing to grasp you except hours of staring at the same hideous graphics and barfed-up textures.)
To sum things up, WoW is basically the largest piece of shit Blizzard has ever attempted to shove down your throat and the actual fun games in their armada have dissappeared because the big B plans to milk WoW untils its udders are grey, wrinkly and have turned evil, including black-red aura around them. Like my Fable character, with whom I accidently massacred an entire town and then went on to purchase it. Big deal, donation to the Temple of Avo and tah-daah, My forehead is hornless again. Now screw you guys, I’m going to play something fun. Guild Wars. It’s not a great game but it’s entertaining and I’ve been playing it for a year now and have spent around 70 bucks on the complete set, and have managed to pull out many hours of fun. PVP is well balanced, mapdesign is quite good and one character doesn’t necessarily have an advantage over another. Look Blizzard, just look. This, is a GOOD GAME. It’s not awesome, but it doesn’t make me lose bowel control either. Just steal from ArenaNet. You know you want to. Your Guile is high enough considering you stole millions with WoW.
Well, this being the legendary later this day, I got bored playing Call of Duty and decided to write the first review. No I am not going to use the “Correct that, I mean of course rant” joke which I already deem overused, because it expires after 2-3 uses. I will refer to it as reviewing mostly for the benefit of my audience(Lord what is there that I won’t do for you my trusty followers? Mansex… Definately mansex. I mean not do, okay? ….I’M NOT GAY!). Now shit, shit faeces and bollocks. There I let that out of the system.
Onto the actual review because all I’ve been doing is rant. Ahyuck well goshdarnit, I’m still ranting!…. Okay let’s just get on with it shall we?
Now, I’m going to do something no starting reviewer has ever dared. I shall dedicate my first review to The Legend Of Zelda. More specifically, The Legend Of Zelda Phantom Hourglass. Now before I go into this I’d like to say that I am a big Nintendo-fan. I’m a general gamer so any system suits me fine(except the PS3 I just hate that thing. Mostly because you’re supposed to hate that thing and if you don’t you’re basically saying:”Here Sony, here is my mouth. Now shove your big, AIDS infested penis into so I can suck out all the semen you’re willing to give me, and I shall pay you ridiculous amounts of money for it!”) but like my soft spot for Disney, I also have a soft spot for Nintendo. The big N is something I grew up with, and in my eyes they’re still one of the better gamecreators around these days. But then there is the atrocity that one calls Zelda. Don’t get me wrong, I have played ALL of them and own most of them, because they are good games. But they should name it the Legend of Deja Vu’s instead, because every episode of this chronicle is basically the same. It’s like the anime Bleach; It’s awesome everytime, yet it just feels so familiar. In every bloody Zelda game, you are the same green fairy boy saving the same pink fairy girl from the same dark, bignosed evil dude. May I remind you folks of LoZ: Oracle of Ages&Seasons? The ENTIRE game you were fighting either a witch or some evil knight, and when you defeated them you could synchronize the games to continue playing in the other game. So if you beat Seasons you started playing Ages with the same character(Link, who the FUCKING hell did you think you’d be in this release? Fagballs?) and defeated that dude. And now come spoilers but I’m not going to hide them for people who suck so hard they haven’t finished the game even to this day, so there. And guess who is the next enemy? The man who this was all plotted for? The HUGE, FAT PIG you have to defeat in the final cataclysmic battle? No, not Porky Pig. No not Pumbaa either. YES! YES THAT’S IT! It’s Ganon! What an awesome surprise! I obviously couldn’t have expected him to show up here! It’s not like you ran into him in every bleeding Zelda game so far. Okay, maybe there were a few exceptions, but that was Ganondorf in disguise, obviously.
And it’s always Princess Zelda. Why not Farmer’s Daughter Zelda? Why not Local Callgirl Zelda? I want to save a Zelda that’ll put out, dammit. It’s always the same old same old. But that can be good as well. I mean Christmas has been celebrated for about 150 years now and kids still look forward to it. I don’t because of all the work involved for me. 35 boxes of stuff and 2 staircases up and down makes 140×13=1820 steps. And I am lazy. L-A-Z-Y lazy. I’d rather sit on my ass all day and do nothing at all. Anyway this is ranting about games, so on with it. The games themselves are quite fun. Except for Phantom Hourglass which I am currently reviewing. Sort of reviewing. The game is a sequel to Wind Waker .*GASP* Yes a sequel, and not along the lines of this is Link, descendant of 9000 Links before him who has to save Zelda, descendant of 9000 Zeldas before him. No, you’re the same Link you were in WW and you have to save the same Tetra/Zelda you had to save in WW. This already caught me off guard. Anyway, I started playing, took a few minutes to adjust to stylus control and baddabing baddaboom I was playing. It felt pretty enjoyable, running around. The controls are a-okay in my book. Now you have this temple, where you actually get the titular Hourglass. Get used to it, because you will have to visit this temple for another quadrillion FUCKING times. From what I understood from my experience is that every time you beat a dungeon you have to go back to the FUCKING temple to do the same FUCKING exploring again, but now with 2-4 added rooms that are exactly the FUCKING same. I dropped this game altogether thinking to myself that Tetra could just fuck off and die and that I would play a fun, non-repetitive game. Like Worms. Which is repetitive as fuck but at least it’s funny. So there Nintendo. If you ever release such a pile of shit again, you have lost another faithful fan.
But that’s just it right? There is nothing Nintendo can do about it. Because out of the big 3, they get stuck with the wild, rabid raving fanboys/girls. They couldn’t change Zelda even if they wanted to. Link, saving someone who is not royalty? BLASPHEMY! Link needs to be superficial and not give a crap about anyone in Hyrule except the princess because she’s a princess, right? They’re already taking a risk here with the “direct-sequel” thing. It looks like Nintendo is finally standing up to it’s enemies, it’s very own fans. You realize Miyamoto is a schizophrenic druggie,right? Of course he could think of something better and more colorful(Jesus Christ when I played TP I thought the colors on my TV were fucked up again) than the same shit we’ve been seeing for around 20 years now.